Healing from Abuse

I want to tell my story because I want show my God and His healing hand, and that TRUE, complete healing come from Him. The freedom from bondage only comes through Him.

One of my earliest memories I have is being molested by an older sibling, This went on for years. When I was a little older I remember telling my parents and… nothing, no change. I wasn’t supplied any help, any counseling. In fact I wasn’t allowed to bring it up, discuss it or get an apology. In fact my mom insisted I owed him an apology. My way of dealing with it was telling my teacher my sibling had died. I got in trouble for lying when I got home.

Another sibling would take me and a family friend’s son into a field to coach us on how to have sex and then sit back and watch us. I was introduced to porn when I was in kindergarten. I remember feeling so gross and dirty afterwards. My older sibling would put me in situations where I was locked in a room with his friend. His friend wouldn’t let me leave the room. I was so scared. There was no one to help me. Several times similar situations would happen.

With no one helping me or even acknowledging what happened to me, I became a very angry child, teenager, and young adult.

My mom didn’t like my emotions and took me to several doctors. She didn’t allow me to speak. One doctor saw through what my mom was trying to do and said I needed different help. I had PTSD. I saw a glimmer of hope. My mom didn’t like his answer and kept taking me to doctor after doctor till they told her what she wanted to hear, that I was bipolar. My parents believed that everyone was bipolar.

My whole high school years I was on the strongest bipolar medicine at that time. My teachers even noticed and were concerned. I was not allowed to be anything but happy.

I was suicidal growing up. If there was a God out there why was He allowing me to go through all of this, why was it so hard to be loved how I needed to be loved?

My parents had shoe boxes filled with medication. I tried to use that for my way out. One night God showed me tremendous amount of mercy and allowed my mom to hear me. I said goodbye instead of good night. She caught that.

I was 13 years old and dating a boy with a lot of siblings. One of the little girls kept pestering me to come play with her. I was home with two siblings. They were downstairs playing video games. I was upstairs taking my dad's revolver out of his nightstand. I told God that if it gets better, if there's something to live for, He had better stop me. As I held the barrel in my mouth and was pulling on the trigger, the phone rang and rang and rang. I got irritated and went and answered the phone. It was that little girl. All I heard her say was, "When can you come over and play?" I never heard the rest of the conversation because I heard God's voice on the other end of the phone saying, "If you wait, I'll show you the love you are looking for."

Years later, I was able to connect with her in 2011. She said she remembered that phone call. She thought I'd be mad at her because she called around ten times and kept hanging up. The funny thing is that I only heard the call once.

As an adult, I was always looking for the love I desperately needed. The abuse I went through affected my understanding of love. I didn't know how to gauge the right way of loving from the wicked way of loving.

I remember asking God why He allowed this to happen to me. Wasn't He supposed to be this caring, loving God? He gave me a vision of me as a little girl going through that abuse, and Jesus was there with me, caressing my face and brushing my hair with His hands. I saw His face. I saw such anguish and a tear-soaked face. He looked like He was in so much pain! Then I knew! I knew He was right there with me, hating every single minute of it.

God gave me healing, complete healing, through having my first male child. The healing He gives is specific for each person. This healing can only come from Him when we choose Him. When we choose Jesus and confess our sins and turn from them, then that allows room for the healing.

If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
1 John 1:9 NASB® 1995

I would not be here if I hadn't chosen Him. Here are some Scriptures to ponder.

O LORD my God,
I cried to You for help, and You healed me.
Psalm 30:2 NASB® 1995

Heal me, O LORD, and I will be healed;
Save me and I will be saved,
For You are my praise.
Jeremiah 17:14 NASB® 1995

He sent His word and healed them,
And delivered them from their destructions.
Psalm 107:20 NASB® 1995

Repentance from sin is the key to freedom. We have all sinned!

for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,
Romans 3:23 NASB® 1995

For the heart of this people has become dull,
With their ears they scarcely hear,
And they have closed their eyes,
Otherwise they would see with their eyes,
Hear with their ears,
And understand with their heart and return,
And I would heal them.’
Matthew 13:15 NASB® 1995

Therefore repent and return, so that your sins may be wiped away, in order that times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord;
Acts 3:19 NASB® 1995

Repentance is key to healing. It is a choice you need to make, no matter what kind of life you have lived. Do you choose freedom and healing or pain and suffering? I really hope you choose healing. I want to declare that there is freedom from all the pain, anger, and hurt. I found it!

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